It's ridiculous it's been 4.5 years since I last wrote in this blog.
That's almost half a decade.
Oh.
My.
Head.
It hurts to think about the passage of time.
This blog makes it seem like I was here, yesterday, clacking away on the keyboard to publish my thoughts on some server in the vast web of the internet.
I could have SWORN it was just yesterday.
But it was that long ago.
Damn.
So, besides having my brain rotting in the noisy office environment of my current job, things have been interesting, to say the least.
Things meaning life "stuff".
I'm not depressed for the first time I can remember.
I mean, I had to get REALLY depressed, and then expunge it all in the last few years to come through to the other side.
I spent 20+ years depressed and I'm only 30 years old.
It was a rough couple of decades, not going to lie.
BUT - I did make it through, although a few times, I literally thought the depression and anxiety would kill me. I thought I would get a heart attack or aneurysm, or my liver would just decide to freaking quit on me because it was tired of all the shit.
But, here I am. No longer depressed. Brain intact. Liver functioning at (I hope) 100%.
Depression is pretty messed up, though. Even when it's gone, you almost miss it. It's like it tempts you to come back into it's suffocating embrace.
The further I get along, though, the less strong that temptation is. It was very strong at first. I felt like I had pulled myself out of a hole in the ground. Or like when people bury you up to your chin in sand. I felt like I finally worked myself free.
Then it started with the temptation. It was saying things like, "you were more interesting when you were with me. You were more creative. Look at you now, you aren't nearly as productive."
And, some days I believed it. I felt down again.
But then I'd wake up the next day and think to myself, "What was that all about? What a bunch of hooey. Depression is THE WORST."
Then Depression would be like, "Oh, yeah? That's only because YOU'RE the worst."
To which, I say, "Depression, go f*** yourself."
The depression and pain did lend a sort of desperate need to express emotions which I no longer feel compelled to do. Now, I do it for fun, not because I feel like I will self-implode if I don't.
But, it's interesting not being depressed, after having it be such a huge force in my life. It's like looking at what used to be a ferocious, scary, hunting tiger. But now, it's just sitting in a museum in taxidermy, roaring a silent roar, out of fake, glass eyes.
Inspecting it in this way, it doesn't look so ferocious. It looks a little silly, actually.
OMG, bad taxidermy: Look it up. I find it to be hilarious.
More on bad taxidermy and my internal workings at another time.
Non-depressed-New-and-Improved, ridiculous me.
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Flexibility vs. Ground
A bridge of "either" can only span two shores.
Never to touch a third shore.
It's reach has an end.
"Either" does not extend indefinitely into an endless abyss.
It is grounded, though inflexible.
A thin line of thought stretches from it's lonely island, seeking in the dark for some soil to plant it's tendrils and whispers.
The thought is glowing almost in the surrounding dark, the finest focused fog, flowing through the vast invisible sea of questions and the unknown, meandering carefree in it's innate way. The thoughts roots curl and twist around the obstacles that are as dark and as invisible as the question itself; the roots, inch by inch, touch by touch, zephyr by zephyr navigate the slack water of the mind.
Can the Dead Change?
Seeing dead people wouldn't be inherently bad.
I wish I could, sometimes. There are a few people I used to know that I'd like to see again.
Do you still "know" someone after they've died?
Or would they be someone you "used" to know?
[11:32] : I feel like their death changes the way you see them, and they've gone where you can't go yet... so I guess it would be more like you "used" to know them. Even though, they haven't changed because
They are no longer living.
What do you think?
[11:32] Alexjonder: I'd say you still know them because they live on in your heart.
[11:33] RealKept: I'm just not sure death doesn't change people.
[11:34] Alexjonder: I'm not sure either.
I wish I could, sometimes. There are a few people I used to know that I'd like to see again.
Do you still "know" someone after they've died?
Or would they be someone you "used" to know?
[11:32] : I feel like their death changes the way you see them, and they've gone where you can't go yet... so I guess it would be more like you "used" to know them. Even though, they haven't changed because
They are no longer living.
What do you think?
[11:32] Alexjonder: I'd say you still know them because they live on in your heart.
[11:33] RealKept: I'm just not sure death doesn't change people.
[11:34] Alexjonder: I'm not sure either.
Thud and Squish
Besides sounding like two names for some seriously unfortunate adventurous heroes, "thud and squish" is probably the best description of what's going on inside my thoracic cavity (don't Google that term unless you're prepared to look at gross anatomy... yes I Googled it to make sure it meant what I thought it meant).
I could also describe this attempt at trying to understand myself by writing about myself as a way to take what's all up in my frontal lobe and smear it on some kind of medium. Like all of the gutsy descriptions?
Oh, my gosh, (CAVEAT)
Thud and Squish can be two heroes that deal in the dirty underbelly of the world. They are alter-egos for two people who by daylight are ordinary garbage men, but they moonlight as alleyway protectors and investigate all kinds of scum.
(END OF CAVEAT)
Can you tell that things inside of me at the moment aren't all fuzzy and clean?
Right now, I'm recovering from being somewhat internally, emotionally, and rationally dislocated and slimy.
Like when you get done at the gym, and you're really sweaty and gross, and you overworked your shoulder, so it feels just out of place, and it bothers you, so you keep rolling your shoulder blade around, hoping it will pop back into a place where it feels normal?
Yeah, that feeling. That popping-your-knuckles-but-it-doesn't-make-them-feel-better-only-like-they-need-more-popping kind of feeling.
You know what I'm talking about.
That's what I feel like on the inside.
So, I can't quite put my finger on it. When I think I get it back in place, it just keeps moving on me, dislocation again, and making me feel all wormy and uncomfortable inside.
But I keep trying to put a finger on it, because what else am I supposed to do?
So, I put a finger on it today, and it went "thud" and then it squished under the pressure.
I've been trying to put my internal limbs of my personality and emotions back into some semblance of an order I find comforting and familiar, with very slow progress, for months. And months. Actually, for over a year now.
Something. Just. Doesn't. Fit.
So, to maybe draw a general circle around the thing that I can't put my finger on, I will share some quotes that have stuck out to me recently and see if I can see any kind of pattern or conclusion.
"I know the reason why I feel so blessed/ My heart still splashes inside my chest/ She's like a top/ She cannot stop/ She moves on." -- Paul Simon "She Moves On"
"They tell you how you're supposed to love God. Don't let anyone tell you how you're supposed to love anyone. " - Mom
"You can see things that I can't see, and that bothers me." - Me
I could also describe this attempt at trying to understand myself by writing about myself as a way to take what's all up in my frontal lobe and smear it on some kind of medium. Like all of the gutsy descriptions?
Oh, my gosh, (CAVEAT)
Thud and Squish can be two heroes that deal in the dirty underbelly of the world. They are alter-egos for two people who by daylight are ordinary garbage men, but they moonlight as alleyway protectors and investigate all kinds of scum.
(END OF CAVEAT)
Can you tell that things inside of me at the moment aren't all fuzzy and clean?
Right now, I'm recovering from being somewhat internally, emotionally, and rationally dislocated and slimy.
Like when you get done at the gym, and you're really sweaty and gross, and you overworked your shoulder, so it feels just out of place, and it bothers you, so you keep rolling your shoulder blade around, hoping it will pop back into a place where it feels normal?
Yeah, that feeling. That popping-your-knuckles-but-it-doesn't-make-them-feel-better-only-like-they-need-more-popping kind of feeling.
You know what I'm talking about.
That's what I feel like on the inside.
So, I can't quite put my finger on it. When I think I get it back in place, it just keeps moving on me, dislocation again, and making me feel all wormy and uncomfortable inside.
But I keep trying to put a finger on it, because what else am I supposed to do?
So, I put a finger on it today, and it went "thud" and then it squished under the pressure.
I've been trying to put my internal limbs of my personality and emotions back into some semblance of an order I find comforting and familiar, with very slow progress, for months. And months. Actually, for over a year now.
Something. Just. Doesn't. Fit.
So, to maybe draw a general circle around the thing that I can't put my finger on, I will share some quotes that have stuck out to me recently and see if I can see any kind of pattern or conclusion.
"I know the reason why I feel so blessed/ My heart still splashes inside my chest/ She's like a top/ She cannot stop/ She moves on." -- Paul Simon "She Moves On"
"They tell you how you're supposed to love God. Don't let anyone tell you how you're supposed to love anyone. " - Mom
"You can see things that I can't see, and that bothers me." - Me
Playing with Fire. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Burn, baby, burn.
Millions of acres of forest are burning in North America.
Millions.
This website gives the most concise fire information for Alaska, the Continental USA and Canada that I can find.
http://cwfis.cfs.nrcan.gc.ca/interactive-map
Here's a fun calculation:
Carbon dioxide, as we all know, is a greenhouse gas.
The millions of acres of burn is releasing literally tons of CO2. Not to mention that ONE healthy acre of forest absorbs, on average, 1.22 metric tons of CO2 PER YEAR (as calculated by the EPA: http://www.epa.gov/cleanenergy/energy-resources/refs.html)
So, the wildfires are burning, releasing tons of CO2, then, this problem is compounded because it will take 10 years, at least, for a forest to grow to the point where it can absorb 1.22 metric tons of CO2 per year. That is, if it can grow that quickly, given the current creeping drought status.
Millions of acres of forest are burning. This means there are millions of metric tons of CO2 being released, and any forthcoming CO2 that will be emitted in the future from other sources (factories, cars, etc), that would normally be absorbed by the forest, that won't be absorbed as quickly in the next 10 years.
One of the most infuriating things about these problems is there is, seemingly, no big solution for what one can do to mitigate the effects. There are small solutions: eat less meat, drive down demand for it, so farms produce fewer animals, therefore lowering environmental impact (due to large crops to feed them, transporting them, their farts, etc); or drive your car less; use less fuel; let your yard behave more naturally; conserve water by washing your hair less, taking a shower less, laundering more efficiently, reducing the size of your lawn, etc.; grow a garden and lower impact for transporting foods; don't own a dog; plant trees; take a reusable grocery bag to the store to keep petroleum down.
Are people really willing to give up a lifestyle their accustomed to, without a guarantee it will actually work at all?
The inconsistent rhetoric of climate change, when it first came to light, I think really damaged the opportunities we had early on to begin to curb the exacerbating problem. Some people started blowing the horn before the rest of scientific community could conclusively agree to their claims. Now they are unified, but the seeds of doubt were already sown.
Not only that, the way it was presented divided people instead of unifying them.
This should be an easy issue:
"Hey, we, the scientific community have observed and discovered something really important for everyone to know. It's really good we caught this now because the effects for everyone on the planet could get pretty awful if we ignore it. This discovery, like other monumental discoveries will help us improve the world we live in! Go us for being so smart!"
But, that didn't happen when the mass media disseminated the information.
And, even if you don't "believe" in the widespread climate change, you can still agree that making the world a healthier place IS THE MORAL ISSUE, not climate change. If it were a different kind of pollution, the same moral issue is keeping/making the world a healthier place. Leave it better than you found it, right?
That's something we should do anyway because it's imperative to the future of mankind. I mean, we all live here. Except for astronauts. They live in space.
In any case. Life goes on. The sun will come up tomorrow. Maybe made more hot by all the gas in the atmosphere, but the sun will still rise. Unrelentingly.
I just hope I can greet it with the hope that people can come together and begin to resolve their differences for the betterment of the planet, and not keep sticking to their factions, ignoring the real issue.
Millions.
This website gives the most concise fire information for Alaska, the Continental USA and Canada that I can find.
http://cwfis.cfs.nrcan.gc.ca/interactive-map
Here's a fun calculation:
Carbon dioxide, as we all know, is a greenhouse gas.
The millions of acres of burn is releasing literally tons of CO2. Not to mention that ONE healthy acre of forest absorbs, on average, 1.22 metric tons of CO2 PER YEAR (as calculated by the EPA: http://www.epa.gov/cleanenergy/energy-resources/refs.html)
So, the wildfires are burning, releasing tons of CO2, then, this problem is compounded because it will take 10 years, at least, for a forest to grow to the point where it can absorb 1.22 metric tons of CO2 per year. That is, if it can grow that quickly, given the current creeping drought status.
Millions of acres of forest are burning. This means there are millions of metric tons of CO2 being released, and any forthcoming CO2 that will be emitted in the future from other sources (factories, cars, etc), that would normally be absorbed by the forest, that won't be absorbed as quickly in the next 10 years.
One of the most infuriating things about these problems is there is, seemingly, no big solution for what one can do to mitigate the effects. There are small solutions: eat less meat, drive down demand for it, so farms produce fewer animals, therefore lowering environmental impact (due to large crops to feed them, transporting them, their farts, etc); or drive your car less; use less fuel; let your yard behave more naturally; conserve water by washing your hair less, taking a shower less, laundering more efficiently, reducing the size of your lawn, etc.; grow a garden and lower impact for transporting foods; don't own a dog; plant trees; take a reusable grocery bag to the store to keep petroleum down.
Are people really willing to give up a lifestyle their accustomed to, without a guarantee it will actually work at all?
The inconsistent rhetoric of climate change, when it first came to light, I think really damaged the opportunities we had early on to begin to curb the exacerbating problem. Some people started blowing the horn before the rest of scientific community could conclusively agree to their claims. Now they are unified, but the seeds of doubt were already sown.
Not only that, the way it was presented divided people instead of unifying them.
This should be an easy issue:
"Hey, we, the scientific community have observed and discovered something really important for everyone to know. It's really good we caught this now because the effects for everyone on the planet could get pretty awful if we ignore it. This discovery, like other monumental discoveries will help us improve the world we live in! Go us for being so smart!"
But, that didn't happen when the mass media disseminated the information.
And, even if you don't "believe" in the widespread climate change, you can still agree that making the world a healthier place IS THE MORAL ISSUE, not climate change. If it were a different kind of pollution, the same moral issue is keeping/making the world a healthier place. Leave it better than you found it, right?
That's something we should do anyway because it's imperative to the future of mankind. I mean, we all live here. Except for astronauts. They live in space.
In any case. Life goes on. The sun will come up tomorrow. Maybe made more hot by all the gas in the atmosphere, but the sun will still rise. Unrelentingly.
I just hope I can greet it with the hope that people can come together and begin to resolve their differences for the betterment of the planet, and not keep sticking to their factions, ignoring the real issue.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Utility Function quandries
What's your utility function?
In it's very geeky way, it's oddly more direct and clear than asking "What's your calling?"
In Artificial Intelligence, as my friend explained it to me, the utility function is the thing that the A.I. unit MUST complete. If you tell it to beat you at chess, it will do what it takes to beat you at a game of chess.
The reason why it's more direct, and probably a bit more helpful is that it doesn't require some outside entity (necessarily), nor does it require "waiting". When one talks about one's "calling" it's a little more oblique, as if someone has to call YOU. I suppose you could take the antithesis of that view and decide your "Calling" is what number you decide to dial, as if you're the one doing the calling. Like, what do you CALL to? Not what CALLS to you?
One is more active, the other is more passive, you see.
Anyway, my friend asked me what my utility function is. And it took me a while to figure it out. It is also coupled with the question, "How do you think?" which he also asked me. I am eternally grateful for my friend. He is the best friend anyone could ever ask for or imagine. Especially because he leads me to discover things about myself that I didn't even know existed. He's THAT good. Because usually, I think either what I know about myself is enough, or I don't need to know anything else about myself. But oh, how wrong I am...
Anyway, for example, his utility function is to teach, essentially and to love. He thinks in a very step-by-step way, which is a very useful way for a teacher to think. Incrementally, and gradually coming to a point.
My utility function is to mediate. To be a diplomat. And I think in a very relational way. As if everything fits into a giant system, and I want to understand how all the elements work together, not necessarily how the elements work by themselves. I mean, that sort of information is also interesting, but it's the ties between events, objects, people, etc. that really interests me.
For example, he would look at an apple and try to figure out how big it is. I look at an apple and wonder where it came from, who picked it (if anyone did), did bees pollinate it or was it a fly, how far did it travel before it wound up in my hand, and so on. The more information gather, the more complex I realize the world is, with all of it's systems, levels of humanity, interconnections of paths, etc. This way of thinking very much fits into my utility function: mediation and diplomacy. With both, one needs to understand the history of all the elements, their reason for being their, their effectiveness at resolving problems, etc. Rather than finding an isolated solution, I seek to find the solution by combining elements rather than by isolation.
I also am beginning to wonder if that's why my memory capacity is so strong. Because I make a lot of connections with information, facts, places, etc, I wonder if that's why I can remember so much random stuff. It certainly would explain HOW I remember things. It's usually relational. I'll look at a rope coiled on a dock (an all too infrequent happenstance for me... I miss coastal living) and I'll remember something I learned sailing. Or I'll remember a day on the lake with my father, with me coiling the lines on the dock in just that way.
In it's very geeky way, it's oddly more direct and clear than asking "What's your calling?"
In Artificial Intelligence, as my friend explained it to me, the utility function is the thing that the A.I. unit MUST complete. If you tell it to beat you at chess, it will do what it takes to beat you at a game of chess.
The reason why it's more direct, and probably a bit more helpful is that it doesn't require some outside entity (necessarily), nor does it require "waiting". When one talks about one's "calling" it's a little more oblique, as if someone has to call YOU. I suppose you could take the antithesis of that view and decide your "Calling" is what number you decide to dial, as if you're the one doing the calling. Like, what do you CALL to? Not what CALLS to you?
One is more active, the other is more passive, you see.
Anyway, my friend asked me what my utility function is. And it took me a while to figure it out. It is also coupled with the question, "How do you think?" which he also asked me. I am eternally grateful for my friend. He is the best friend anyone could ever ask for or imagine. Especially because he leads me to discover things about myself that I didn't even know existed. He's THAT good. Because usually, I think either what I know about myself is enough, or I don't need to know anything else about myself. But oh, how wrong I am...
Anyway, for example, his utility function is to teach, essentially and to love. He thinks in a very step-by-step way, which is a very useful way for a teacher to think. Incrementally, and gradually coming to a point.
My utility function is to mediate. To be a diplomat. And I think in a very relational way. As if everything fits into a giant system, and I want to understand how all the elements work together, not necessarily how the elements work by themselves. I mean, that sort of information is also interesting, but it's the ties between events, objects, people, etc. that really interests me.
For example, he would look at an apple and try to figure out how big it is. I look at an apple and wonder where it came from, who picked it (if anyone did), did bees pollinate it or was it a fly, how far did it travel before it wound up in my hand, and so on. The more information gather, the more complex I realize the world is, with all of it's systems, levels of humanity, interconnections of paths, etc. This way of thinking very much fits into my utility function: mediation and diplomacy. With both, one needs to understand the history of all the elements, their reason for being their, their effectiveness at resolving problems, etc. Rather than finding an isolated solution, I seek to find the solution by combining elements rather than by isolation.
I also am beginning to wonder if that's why my memory capacity is so strong. Because I make a lot of connections with information, facts, places, etc, I wonder if that's why I can remember so much random stuff. It certainly would explain HOW I remember things. It's usually relational. I'll look at a rope coiled on a dock (an all too infrequent happenstance for me... I miss coastal living) and I'll remember something I learned sailing. Or I'll remember a day on the lake with my father, with me coiling the lines on the dock in just that way.
Seattle, Wooden Boat Museum, July 2013
In a way, this coil represents my thoughts. It's carefully constructed, with different spirals of information, but they all touch in some way, and they are all the same line, although occupying a different tier of data, memory, or ideas. Every major thought or experience I have is enriched as I add more and more line to the central or working end of the line. Sometimes they take me a while to unravel. Slowly, as some lines have been sitting on the dock for far too long and are stiff and brittle, rough with sunlight and exposure to the elements unprotected, untended. A happy rope is a working rope. Gone unused, ropes get old very fast and decay.
I'm just blathering at this point. Although it is true my mind probably works that way. I see everything as part of one whole. It's just the one whole is so huge, it's hard to see it all from one tiny vantage point. It's one line, so my friend was right when he said he thought I think in a linear fashion. Which is sort of true. It's just a huge frickin' line. Or it's a fabric. Hell, I don't know what it is.
But then again, that's not my utility function, is it? I don't want to figure out WHAT it is. I want to figure out how it works together. It's a lot less straight-forward. But it suits me, somehow.
Anyway, my other utility function is to love as well, take care of people the best I can and adopt a child. I want to adopt a child so badly, it's not even funny. I don't know why it would be funny, anyway, but someone adoption is ingrained into my life goals. I guess "The Rescuers" made a big impression on me as a child. As did other orphan stories. Except for Annie. Geeze, I find her annoying.
ANYWAY
In other news, I'm applying to grad school, because with all my utility function, I love the environment and plants. My friend jokes that I'm going to turn into Zyra one day. Yes, I just revealed I'm a League of Legends nerd. My summoner name is "RealKept" (Was, now it is "Thx4AllTheFish"). Add me if you want to play.
I'm applying to get into a Landscape Architecture program. I'm trying to write my letter of intent now. I figure I should start on that and my portfolio first because they are SO difficult to write and compile. I've actually been "working" on both for a couple months now. "Working" being defined as "stressing out over and thinking about constantly". So, it's nice now to write something that feels as if it has less riding on it's success. I guess I just have to treat the letter of intent the same way I treat this blog, at first anyway, so I can actually get something down and not freak myself out over it's importance.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I want to get into MLA SO BAD YOU HAVE NO IDEAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
I guess I'm going to start freaking out again now, so I'll save you the over-powering use of ALL CAPS and just cut it off here.
Nerdy, sweaty, overly-meta-at-the-moment, ridiculous me.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
The Vicious Cycle of Contorl, Stress and Relaxation.
The other day, I was visiting my darling and his parents, and I discovered for the first time the SNL skit "Cooking with The Anal-Retentive Chef" with Phil Hartman.
Very funny.
Not really what this particular entry is about, but it does lead into what I'm grappling with, personality-wise, with myself. I like to have these little sessions where I'm just thinking to myself. It helps me clear my cluttered head.
So.
Many.
Irrational.
Thoughts.
But that's what panicking and anal-retentiveness does to a person. Not that I'm an extreme case of anal-retentiveness, but I must confess that I am a pretty awful perfectionist. Which is enough to drive a person out of their skin, sometimes. Being somewhat anal-retentive and perfectionist tends to make me a tad on the controlling side. Not that I'm manipulative, but I'm accustomed to being in control. If something's going to work, I'm going to make it work, because I am in control.
There's nothing that quite states being out of control like saying to yourself "I am in control".
Because, really, if you were in total control, you wouldn't have to convince yourself that you're in control. So, by saying it, does that really help? Or does it just perpetuate the kind of delusion that one has when they think they're in control? I tend to think it's the latter.
Because, really, there are few things we have control over- and the things we do have the power to master are very rarely things that we freak out about having control over, right?
I mean, you know you can do it, no worries, no stress; so, there's no reason to repeat I am in control like some kind of person obsessed with driving safety.
So, whenever I catch myself wrangling with feeling the need to be in control, I get a flood of thoughts that I must sort out... which is what I'm doing right now.
And I'll tell you why- although, even as I write, the anxiety of control is already dissipating, but I digress...
I'm acclimated towards dominating challenging situations. Except recently, as in the last 6 months when I have felt overwhelmingly like a failure. I quit two jobs, my relationship crumbled, friendships soured- and possibly expired-, moving back in with my parents was no triumphant feat either (although I love them), and my love for adventure dwindled.
I'm beginning to see the rekindling of a life I want to participate in, and I begin to feel it's warmth.
But for several months, I have felt powerless and in a kind of stupefaction that goes beyond depression and rules in the flat grey world of apathy. It's a nasty place. It doesn't even have the decency to shroud itself in a kind of dignified darkness. It's featureless, abandoned, tasteless void. And I hate that place more than I hate having depression, or any other anxiety; this realm is the doldrums of the soul.
And I'm pulling through to the other side. But it's taking a long while.
In the mean time- because the landscape of my mind is frighteningly blank, I feel this encroaching, unseen doom (even though this is completely irrational), because things are quiet... too quiet. Like the moment in a horror film before something terrifying happens when everyone holds their breath.
And I guess that's what it is, I've been holding my breath for ages, and I feel the suffocating effects. And why have I been metaphorically holding my breath?
Because I want to survive, and I feel like that's the best way for me to do it.
ANYWAY-
Back to the control thing- this sort of loosely ties into it, but I don't really care at this point because it's kind of late and I'm exhausted.
BUT-
I'm not a controlling person. I don't seek power, I don't want people to do everything I want, but I do want things to work out. So, in my insane little way, I think that I can will things to work, in what I deem a favorable way. So, I try to control things. Because I want it to work out perfectly. Anal-retentive.
But what happens when things work out pretty much perfectly and you're NOT controlling anything? It takes away a sense of pride of accomplishment, is what it feels like. I feel totally out of place when things go well from no direct effort of my own. It feels so weird to have things go in a positive direction without feeling like I'm forcing gigantic magnets of matching polarities towards each other.
To be more specific, it doesn't feel just "weird" it gives me anxiety. A lot of things give me anxiety, I'm kind of an anxious person if I'm not careful and don't CONTROL IT.
God.
Damn.
I can't get away from it!
It's like a never ending loop.
Anyway- things are going really well. I need a job, but my tax returns were pretty sweet this year, so I'm not as stressed out about it as I was.
But life is pleasant. It's good, it tastes of honey and music. Which is NOT what I'm used to. I'm used to striving for a foot hold in the edge of a cliff. And lately, I have been spoiled with what feels like a magical elevator in comparison. So easy. Too easy.
I just MUST learn how to relax. I'm getting better at it.
But I'm trying really hard not to stress out about relaxing more.
Gotta let go of the control and the stress. I need to just accept the good things and be grateful.
Sleepy, incoherent, chasing-my-own-tail ridiculous me.
Very funny.
Not really what this particular entry is about, but it does lead into what I'm grappling with, personality-wise, with myself. I like to have these little sessions where I'm just thinking to myself. It helps me clear my cluttered head.
So.
Many.
Irrational.
Thoughts.
But that's what panicking and anal-retentiveness does to a person. Not that I'm an extreme case of anal-retentiveness, but I must confess that I am a pretty awful perfectionist. Which is enough to drive a person out of their skin, sometimes. Being somewhat anal-retentive and perfectionist tends to make me a tad on the controlling side. Not that I'm manipulative, but I'm accustomed to being in control. If something's going to work, I'm going to make it work, because I am in control.
There's nothing that quite states being out of control like saying to yourself "I am in control".
Because, really, if you were in total control, you wouldn't have to convince yourself that you're in control. So, by saying it, does that really help? Or does it just perpetuate the kind of delusion that one has when they think they're in control? I tend to think it's the latter.
Because, really, there are few things we have control over- and the things we do have the power to master are very rarely things that we freak out about having control over, right?
I mean, you know you can do it, no worries, no stress; so, there's no reason to repeat I am in control like some kind of person obsessed with driving safety.
So, whenever I catch myself wrangling with feeling the need to be in control, I get a flood of thoughts that I must sort out... which is what I'm doing right now.
And I'll tell you why- although, even as I write, the anxiety of control is already dissipating, but I digress...
I'm acclimated towards dominating challenging situations. Except recently, as in the last 6 months when I have felt overwhelmingly like a failure. I quit two jobs, my relationship crumbled, friendships soured- and possibly expired-, moving back in with my parents was no triumphant feat either (although I love them), and my love for adventure dwindled.
I'm beginning to see the rekindling of a life I want to participate in, and I begin to feel it's warmth.
But for several months, I have felt powerless and in a kind of stupefaction that goes beyond depression and rules in the flat grey world of apathy. It's a nasty place. It doesn't even have the decency to shroud itself in a kind of dignified darkness. It's featureless, abandoned, tasteless void. And I hate that place more than I hate having depression, or any other anxiety; this realm is the doldrums of the soul.
And I'm pulling through to the other side. But it's taking a long while.
In the mean time- because the landscape of my mind is frighteningly blank, I feel this encroaching, unseen doom (even though this is completely irrational), because things are quiet... too quiet. Like the moment in a horror film before something terrifying happens when everyone holds their breath.
And I guess that's what it is, I've been holding my breath for ages, and I feel the suffocating effects. And why have I been metaphorically holding my breath?
Because I want to survive, and I feel like that's the best way for me to do it.
ANYWAY-
Back to the control thing- this sort of loosely ties into it, but I don't really care at this point because it's kind of late and I'm exhausted.
BUT-
I'm not a controlling person. I don't seek power, I don't want people to do everything I want, but I do want things to work out. So, in my insane little way, I think that I can will things to work, in what I deem a favorable way. So, I try to control things. Because I want it to work out perfectly. Anal-retentive.
But what happens when things work out pretty much perfectly and you're NOT controlling anything? It takes away a sense of pride of accomplishment, is what it feels like. I feel totally out of place when things go well from no direct effort of my own. It feels so weird to have things go in a positive direction without feeling like I'm forcing gigantic magnets of matching polarities towards each other.
To be more specific, it doesn't feel just "weird" it gives me anxiety. A lot of things give me anxiety, I'm kind of an anxious person if I'm not careful and don't CONTROL IT.
God.
Damn.
I can't get away from it!
It's like a never ending loop.
Anyway- things are going really well. I need a job, but my tax returns were pretty sweet this year, so I'm not as stressed out about it as I was.
But life is pleasant. It's good, it tastes of honey and music. Which is NOT what I'm used to. I'm used to striving for a foot hold in the edge of a cliff. And lately, I have been spoiled with what feels like a magical elevator in comparison. So easy. Too easy.
I just MUST learn how to relax. I'm getting better at it.
But I'm trying really hard not to stress out about relaxing more.
Gotta let go of the control and the stress. I need to just accept the good things and be grateful.
Sleepy, incoherent, chasing-my-own-tail ridiculous me.
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