In it's very geeky way, it's oddly more direct and clear than asking "What's your calling?"
In Artificial Intelligence, as my friend explained it to me, the utility function is the thing that the A.I. unit MUST complete. If you tell it to beat you at chess, it will do what it takes to beat you at a game of chess.
The reason why it's more direct, and probably a bit more helpful is that it doesn't require some outside entity (necessarily), nor does it require "waiting". When one talks about one's "calling" it's a little more oblique, as if someone has to call YOU. I suppose you could take the antithesis of that view and decide your "Calling" is what number you decide to dial, as if you're the one doing the calling. Like, what do you CALL to? Not what CALLS to you?
One is more active, the other is more passive, you see.
Anyway, my friend asked me what my utility function is. And it took me a while to figure it out. It is also coupled with the question, "How do you think?" which he also asked me. I am eternally grateful for my friend. He is the best friend anyone could ever ask for or imagine. Especially because he leads me to discover things about myself that I didn't even know existed. He's THAT good. Because usually, I think either what I know about myself is enough, or I don't need to know anything else about myself. But oh, how wrong I am...
Anyway, for example, his utility function is to teach, essentially and to love. He thinks in a very step-by-step way, which is a very useful way for a teacher to think. Incrementally, and gradually coming to a point.
My utility function is to mediate. To be a diplomat. And I think in a very relational way. As if everything fits into a giant system, and I want to understand how all the elements work together, not necessarily how the elements work by themselves. I mean, that sort of information is also interesting, but it's the ties between events, objects, people, etc. that really interests me.
For example, he would look at an apple and try to figure out how big it is. I look at an apple and wonder where it came from, who picked it (if anyone did), did bees pollinate it or was it a fly, how far did it travel before it wound up in my hand, and so on. The more information gather, the more complex I realize the world is, with all of it's systems, levels of humanity, interconnections of paths, etc. This way of thinking very much fits into my utility function: mediation and diplomacy. With both, one needs to understand the history of all the elements, their reason for being their, their effectiveness at resolving problems, etc. Rather than finding an isolated solution, I seek to find the solution by combining elements rather than by isolation.
I also am beginning to wonder if that's why my memory capacity is so strong. Because I make a lot of connections with information, facts, places, etc, I wonder if that's why I can remember so much random stuff. It certainly would explain HOW I remember things. It's usually relational. I'll look at a rope coiled on a dock (an all too infrequent happenstance for me... I miss coastal living) and I'll remember something I learned sailing. Or I'll remember a day on the lake with my father, with me coiling the lines on the dock in just that way.
Seattle, Wooden Boat Museum, July 2013
In a way, this coil represents my thoughts. It's carefully constructed, with different spirals of information, but they all touch in some way, and they are all the same line, although occupying a different tier of data, memory, or ideas. Every major thought or experience I have is enriched as I add more and more line to the central or working end of the line. Sometimes they take me a while to unravel. Slowly, as some lines have been sitting on the dock for far too long and are stiff and brittle, rough with sunlight and exposure to the elements unprotected, untended. A happy rope is a working rope. Gone unused, ropes get old very fast and decay.
I'm just blathering at this point. Although it is true my mind probably works that way. I see everything as part of one whole. It's just the one whole is so huge, it's hard to see it all from one tiny vantage point. It's one line, so my friend was right when he said he thought I think in a linear fashion. Which is sort of true. It's just a huge frickin' line. Or it's a fabric. Hell, I don't know what it is.
But then again, that's not my utility function, is it? I don't want to figure out WHAT it is. I want to figure out how it works together. It's a lot less straight-forward. But it suits me, somehow.
Anyway, my other utility function is to love as well, take care of people the best I can and adopt a child. I want to adopt a child so badly, it's not even funny. I don't know why it would be funny, anyway, but someone adoption is ingrained into my life goals. I guess "The Rescuers" made a big impression on me as a child. As did other orphan stories. Except for Annie. Geeze, I find her annoying.
ANYWAY
In other news, I'm applying to grad school, because with all my utility function, I love the environment and plants. My friend jokes that I'm going to turn into Zyra one day. Yes, I just revealed I'm a League of Legends nerd. My summoner name is "RealKept" (Was, now it is "Thx4AllTheFish"). Add me if you want to play.
I'm applying to get into a Landscape Architecture program. I'm trying to write my letter of intent now. I figure I should start on that and my portfolio first because they are SO difficult to write and compile. I've actually been "working" on both for a couple months now. "Working" being defined as "stressing out over and thinking about constantly". So, it's nice now to write something that feels as if it has less riding on it's success. I guess I just have to treat the letter of intent the same way I treat this blog, at first anyway, so I can actually get something down and not freak myself out over it's importance.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I want to get into MLA SO BAD YOU HAVE NO IDEAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
I guess I'm going to start freaking out again now, so I'll save you the over-powering use of ALL CAPS and just cut it off here.
Nerdy, sweaty, overly-meta-at-the-moment, ridiculous me.
