The Vicious Cycle of Contorl, Stress and Relaxation.

The other day, I was visiting my darling and his parents, and I discovered for the first time the SNL skit "Cooking with The Anal-Retentive Chef" with Phil Hartman.
Very funny.

Not really what this particular entry is about, but it does lead into what I'm grappling with, personality-wise, with myself. I like to have these little sessions where I'm just thinking to myself. It helps me clear my cluttered head.
So.
Many.
Irrational.
Thoughts.
But that's what panicking and anal-retentiveness does to a person. Not that I'm an extreme case of anal-retentiveness, but I must confess that I am a pretty awful perfectionist. Which is enough to drive a person out of their skin, sometimes. Being somewhat anal-retentive and perfectionist tends to make me a tad on the controlling side. Not that I'm manipulative, but I'm accustomed to being in control. If something's going to work, I'm going to make it work, because I am in control.
There's nothing that quite states being out of control like saying to yourself "I am in control". 
Because, really, if you were in total control, you wouldn't have to convince yourself that you're in control. So, by saying it, does that really help? Or does it just perpetuate the kind of delusion that one has when they think they're in control? I tend to think it's the latter.
Because, really, there are few things we have control over- and the things we do have the power to master are very rarely things that we freak out about having control over, right?
I mean, you know you can do it, no worries, no stress; so, there's no reason to repeat I am in control like some kind of person obsessed with driving safety.
So, whenever I catch myself wrangling with feeling the need to be in control, I get a flood of thoughts that I must sort out... which is what I'm doing right now.
And I'll tell you why- although, even as I write, the anxiety of control is already dissipating, but I digress...
I'm acclimated towards dominating challenging situations. Except recently, as in the last 6 months when I have felt overwhelmingly like a failure. I quit two jobs, my relationship crumbled, friendships soured- and possibly expired-, moving back in with my parents was no triumphant feat either (although I love them), and my love for adventure dwindled.
I'm beginning to see the rekindling of a life I want to participate in, and I begin to feel it's warmth.
But for several months, I have felt powerless and in a kind of stupefaction that goes beyond depression and rules in the flat grey world of apathy. It's a nasty place. It doesn't even have the decency to shroud itself in a kind of dignified darkness. It's featureless, abandoned, tasteless void. And I hate that place more than I hate having depression, or any other anxiety; this realm is the doldrums of the soul.
And I'm pulling through to the other side. But it's taking a long while.
In the mean time- because the landscape of my mind is frighteningly blank, I feel this encroaching, unseen doom (even though this is completely irrational), because things are quiet... too quiet. Like the moment in a horror film before something terrifying happens when everyone holds their breath.
And I guess that's what it is, I've been holding my breath for ages, and I feel the suffocating effects. And why have I been metaphorically holding my breath?
Because I want to survive, and I feel like that's the best way for me to do it.

ANYWAY-
Back to the control thing- this sort of loosely ties into it, but I don't really care at this point because it's kind of late and I'm exhausted.

BUT-
I'm not a controlling person. I don't seek power, I don't want people to do everything I want, but I do want things to work out. So, in my insane little way, I think that I can will things to work, in what I deem a favorable way. So, I try to control things. Because I want it to work out perfectly. Anal-retentive.

But what happens when things work out pretty much perfectly and you're NOT controlling anything? It takes away a sense of pride of accomplishment, is what it feels like. I feel totally out of place when things go well from no direct effort of my own. It feels so weird to have things go in a positive direction without feeling like I'm forcing gigantic magnets of matching polarities towards each other.
To be more specific, it doesn't feel just "weird" it gives me anxiety. A lot of things give me anxiety, I'm kind of an anxious person if I'm not careful and don't CONTROL IT.
God.
Damn.
I can't get away from it!
It's like a never ending loop.

Anyway- things are going really well. I need a job, but my tax returns were pretty sweet this year, so I'm not as stressed out about it as I was.
But life is pleasant. It's good, it tastes of honey and music. Which is NOT what I'm used to. I'm used to striving for a foot hold in the edge of a cliff. And lately, I have been spoiled with what feels like a magical elevator in comparison. So easy. Too easy.

I just MUST learn how to relax. I'm getting better at it.
But I'm trying really hard not to stress out about relaxing more.
Gotta let go of the control and the stress. I need to just accept the good things and be grateful.

Sleepy, incoherent, chasing-my-own-tail ridiculous me.

Laughing at the world.

I have a friend who always laughs things off. Doesn't matter what kinds of things it is, invariably he laughs at them loudly. Sometimes, he laughs at them so loudly, I think he's trying to show those things that he's more powerful than them. Maybe he is.

But here's the thing about indulging in one point of view, one philosophy, or one knee-jerk reaction: eventually, most of us say the same thing, "That's just the way it is" or my all time least -favorite, "There's nothing I can do about it" and when we get to that point, what have we learned? We've learned what works, what suffices, what fits the bill. And we stick to it because it's familiar, and at least we think we know, and that comforts us.
I'm just as guilty as my friend who laughs at everything, though, because I tend to treat everything as a problem. And most things in my life aren't problems. I'm a spoiled perfectionist,  believing that I can make life perfect, and rather than seeing where I am now, I see where I am 10, 15, and 20 years from now. It sort of makes enjoying life difficult. But I don't laugh it off. I don't laugh at things that make me angry, and I don't try to make jokes out of things that make me sad. I try to feel all of those things because there was a time I felt nothing at all, and those were the times I was most unhappy. So, although I don't have a single treatment, like laughter, for anything that comes my way unexpectedly, I do tend to rely on my critical crutch; leaning like a cripple on a rickety stick. The stick is my judgement, and sometimes it's so rickety and I lean so heavily on it, I don't trust it. My rational judgement, that is. I think because I was cut off from my own emotions for so long, I hesitate to use them as a guide. It's something I'm working on.
This is all vine-like, ambling around the point like the tendril-grasping greenery; the point is I quit my jobs for reasons I can't fully explain or understand. The level at which it was making me unhappy was beyond rationale, laughter, joking, or fixing.
But the thing that really scares me is that I'm seeing a pattern of cut-and-run in my life. Not because things are too difficult. I don't know why. But I have an easier time finding something new, than living with something old. And I fear that my cut-and-run approach is going to effect the people in my life that love me. Because I'm happier on the run and people want what's familiar, and they want it to stick around; they want comfort and I give that to them, but rarely is the feeling of comfort mutual.
So, my dilemma now is sitting tight or wandering into the wild.
I don't want to be kept, but then again, I don't want to be alone. And my relationship now always keeps me in the limbo position. I'm alone and kept for half the time, and the other half I'm free with a companion.
So, do I keep with what's familiar because it's good for another person, and I think it's good for me? Or should I just cut the lines and run away like I always do?
I feel like I should change my ways and not become the person who just wanders with abandon. I should try a new philosophy, and new way of life, and maybe figure out why this familiarity thing is so popular.
Maybe I could try laughing more.

Alone, ennui, ridiculous me.

We Have Met the Enemy and He is Us

I'm at a cross roads. I'm going on another adventure and it's very uncertain what will happen to me. And for once in my life, I don't have any immediate goals, other than moving to Boise.

I graduated, so I have no classes, I haven't gotten a job in Boise yet, so...

CRAP.

I just remembered I forgot to call the apartment complex I was going to visit this week and tell them I'm coming next week instead. I should really keep a list of things I NEED to do, and a list of things I WANT to do.

Ugh.

Anyway. So, I don't have a job in the town I'm about to move to. I barely have enough money to make it there, but I had to pick a direction and run with it, as impractical as that may be.

I'm super excited, though. Mainly because it's been about a year since I had a travelling adventure. And I try to have at least one big travel adventure per year. I love travelling. If I could somehow find a job that paid my travel, I would be in heaven. Maybe I should look into writing a travel show like Rick Steves or something. I'll look into it. 

Anyway, the possibilities are unforeseeable at this point. Anything could happen. Of course, it's a little daunting that ANYTHING could happen to me. Something less than pleasant could happen. But I've had less-than-pleasant things happen to me in the past and I've turned out alright so far. Although I do have a pretty strange fascination for villains and their grotesque ideas of justice.

But that's for another time.

For now, I don't know what's going to happen, but I know no matter what happens, my parents will be there for me, my friends will still be my friends, and my man will love me. I hope. I'm never entirely sure, but if I were completely sure, I might take them for granted, and that's no good at all.

I try to appreciate and be thankful for everything I have, every day. I realize with all the commodities we have in our country today, we often forget that happiness and well-being isn't always about "having" something. I'm not saying that we shouldn't have health care, or charities, or things like that. But, really, I know people who have more than they could every possibly need or want, and they're still unhappy. 

But this isn't new. And I don't think money is the root of all evil. I think, "We have met the enemy, and he is us." to quote Walt Kelly's possum cartoon strip, Pogo. 

But not until we acknowledge this can we get out of our own way and enjoy and know what it's like to improve ourselves, learn about other people, and ultimately love them for all their flaws.

I just have to keep reminding myself of this. Because it's so easy to blame other people for our problems. Maybe other people impose difficulties on us, but it's how we handle things, and what we decide to do that we are responsible for. I want to be responsible for my own actions. Not matter where I go. Now matter how uncertain my adventures are, and no matter what happens to me:

I won't surrender to myself.

It's my Birthday! And Othello is histrionic (new word I learned yesterday)

Dear Journal,

  Normally I don't start blog entries with "Dear Journal". But I hold my journals dear, none-the-less.

  Today is my 24th birthday. Yippee. Feels like any other day, really. I had a phone interview with Wells Fargo; it must be the worst way to interview someone. I understand business efficiency and looking for set responses and all that, but I can never avoid feeling as if the person on the other end of the line hates me. I'm just one more eager job-seeker in a long line of job-seekers, and I never know how they go. One of my specialties is being able to talk to people tete-a-tete. Phone interviews take away all my powers, save the wonderful quality of my voice.

  Anyway, I've been flitting about, here and there, just thinking and mulling things over in my head. I came home from working at the radio station and I was eating a DELICIOUS juicy peach (food is one of the best birthday presents, by the way) when I realized what I wanted to write. I want to write, of course, a cursed play. Wouldn't that be awesome? A play as cursed as MacBeth or Coriolanus, or Hairspray. The reason why Hairspray is cursed is because unless you're a huge fan for whatever reason, you have it stuck in your head FOREVER. Not the music. Just the hair, and the clothes, and the ill-represented atmosphere of the 1960s. My point being, for some reason, Hairspray is my cursed musical. It's annoying, is all I'm driving at. I find the message clumsy, obnoxious, and condescending. But at least there's a message, I suppose.

  Anyway, writing the next curs-ed play. Cool, right? Of course, I don't want bad things to happen to people in the theatrical arts, but a little mayhem now and then is pretty delectable. I don't mean mayhem so far as people getting shot, and things falling onto actors, or things of the sadistic kind. It's just alright to stir the pot every now and then, which brings me to my first project.

  There is no better pot-stirrer than Iago from Othello. The guy is a gossip GENIUS! I think he would be similar to someone in gossip rag media, or a paparazzi photographer; following the stars, wanting to be in their shoes, allowing others to live vicariously through his lens. And what's the biggest pot Iago stirs? Othello himself.

  Profile: Othello
  Personality: Pretty vain, serious trust issues
  Anger Management skills: None
  Intelligence: Dumber than Iago, and that's all that's necessary.

 I think of Othello as sort of a vain actor. In the original play, he enjoys recounting his tales to Desdemona (although, of course, she never gets tired of listening to them), he is melo-dramatic, histrionic, and easily manipulated. He's got some people-skills problems, to say the least. Othello craves attention and goes out of his way to put his life in danger (and make a big deal out of it).
 The problem with Iago and Othello, while they could possibly be great friends, is that Iago is also a tad affected, theatrical, and a glutton for the lime-light. Since Othello gets the most attention, Iago dislikes him intensely, although he really has no logical reason to. Except maybe that Othello slept with his wife. But did he, though? No one is sure whether Iago is lying or not. He can't be trusted.
 But, with all of his problems and intelligence, Iago is dangerous. Because he pretends to accept his position happily, to soothe any suspicions. He's almost a genius, but not evil. Just a sadistic twerp.

  Anyway, an updated version of Othello should be written soon-ish, I hope. I plan to make it shorter. MUCH shorter. I figure if I want to learn how to write plot structure and characters, I should do some practical studying cough-stealing-cough from one of the masters. Shakespeare is the king of English tragedies and unlikable characters, it can't be denied.

Going to start writing now. Over and out, journal, dearest.

A list of very ridiculous questions.and answers

1. Real name : Hannah Laurel (insert name no one can pronounce here)
2. Nickname(s) : Commonly "Han". Sometimes "Hollywood", "Hotshot", "Haner", "Banana", etc.
3. Fav. color : The rainbow plus black. And brown. Minus the icky dusty blue.
4. Male or female : I'm actually a dude. Yeah, I was surprised, too.
5. Elementary School : home schooled
6. Middle School : home schooled
7. High School : Home schooled
 8. College : LCSC, UI, UB (UN).
 9. Hair Color : Brown (to keep it simple)
11. Sweats or Jeans : Preferably neither, but America isn't very open-minded about public scanty-ness.
12. Phone or Camera :... how are these two technologies even comparable?
 13. Health freak : I like to pretend I am. I basically try to be healthy so I don't die sooner than I have to. There's a lot of wiggle room in that philosophy.
14. Orange or Apple : Oranges.
15. Do you have a crush on someone : Crushes are for tweenies and people who don't grow up and address their feelings. It's a tepid way to love. And love should never be tepid.
16. Eat or Drink : I'd rather have water than food most times. I can take being hungry. I HATE being thirsty.
17. Piercings : Used to have one. It got infected and it was super gross: therefore, no more piercings.
18. Pepsi or Coke : What a dumb question.
 HAVE YOU EVER?
19. Been in an airplane : No, I can fly. No need for airplanes.
20. Been in a relationship : Yup.
21. Been in a car accident : yes.
22. Been in a fist fight : Yeah... a couple. Not very fun. Makes me all shaky. Fights do that in general, though.
 23. First piercing : "Helix" in my upper ear cartilage.
24. Best friend : My dad, probably.
25. First award : I don't remember.
 26. First crush : Hahaa-- Walt Disney's nephew. The guy who spoke at the beginning of the Snow White and the 7 Dwarves video tape we had.
 27. First word: "Eh", probably
29. Last person you talked to: My sister
30. Last person you texted: My boyfriend
31. Last person you watched a movie with : My sister
32. Last food you ate : An egg (YUMMM)
33. Last movie you watched : Black Beauty (part of it, anyway... I can't sit through more than 10 minutes of it)
35. Last thing you bought : LOTS OF MUSIC
36. Last person you hugged : My sis
FAVE:
37. Food : All kinds of Stew. And salmon.
 38. Drink : Lemonade
39. Bottoms : Dancing ones.
40. Flower : ALL OF THEM. How can anyone choose?!
 41. Animal : Frogs/turtles/snakes. I love reptiles.
42.Color : See Stupid Question #3
 43. Movie: Beauty and the Beast
 44. Subject : I love talking about politics, asking questions about people's religious beliefs, and basically picking peoples brains. I love picking people's brains. I like it when people pick mine, too.
HAVE YOU EVER: (Put an X in the brackets if yes)
45. [x] fallen in love with someone.
46. [x] celebrated Halloween
47. [x] had your heart broken.
 48. [x] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone.
49. [x] had someone like you
51. [] got pregnant.
 52. [] had an abortion.
53. [x] did something I regret.
54. [x] broke a promise.
55. [x] hid a secret. (what else do you do with a secret?)
 56. [x] pretended to be happy.
 57. [x] met someone who changed your life.
58. [] pretended to be sick. (who cares?)
59. [x] left the country.
60. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it.
61. [] cried over the silliest thing. (I never cry over silly things. If I'm crying, it isn't silly. Not to me, anyway.)
 62. [x] ran a mile.
63. [x] went to the beach with your best friend. (so much fun!)
64. [x] got into an argument with your friends. (pretty regularly)
65. [] disliked someone. (I dislike how people behave or treat me. I don't really dislike anyone seriously. Except Hitler.)
66. [] stayed single for 2 years since the first time you had a boyfriend/girlfriend (what?)
 CURRENTLY:
67. Eating : My dead skin cells from my mouth. And lots of bacteria at the back of my throat. Yum.
68. Drinking : Drinking the AWESOME sounds of David Bowie!
69. Listening : David Bowie- Magic Dance
70. Sitting/Laying : On the couch... sofa? what's the difference between a couch and sofa? Is there one?
71. Plans for today: Work, see my boyfriend! repossess my umbrella... other stuff.
72. Waiting for : time.
YOUR FUTURE:
73. Want kids : Yeah, in a general way.
74. Want to get married : When it's right.
75. Career: theatre designer/ radio person/ the most awesome person I can be.
76. Lips or eyes : "The eyes are the surveyor of the heart"
77. Shorter or Taller : Most people are taller than me, so this is kind of a moot point.
78. Romantic or spontaneous : They should be the same thing.
81. Hook-up or relationship : Hook-ups are fun. But relationships are fun AND nice.
82. Looks or personality: personality
 HAVE YOU EVER:
83. Lost glasses/contacts : Nope. Hopefully my eyes stay in good condition.
84. Snuck out of a house : Why would I sneak? I have a key.
85. Held a gun/knife for self defense : No.
 86. Killed somebody : Like I would really admit I murdered someone. NO! I mean I've never killed anyone.
 87. Broken someone's heart : Probably. Hearts are easy to break.
88. Been in love : REDUNDANT
89. Cried when someone died : Of course. Sometimes I cry when people don't die, too.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself : I believe in my potential.
91. Miracles : More like really AMAZING things happening for no particular reason, not miracles in the sense of god setting things up. But does that really make it less amazing? The answer is no.
92. Love at first sight : Yeah. There's all kinds of love. I have definitely loved some of my friends the first times I saw them. It helps to love people at first sight when they're doing something really awesome or kind or totally being themselves.
93. Heaven : Not really, no. I think heaven is already on Earth, we just don't always see it. I don't think it's exclusively accessible after death.
94. Santa Clause : no
95. Aliens : YES. The probability is in life's favor.
 96. Ghosts : Yeah.
TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you really want to be with right now : Yes. Always. But I like being by myself just fine, too.
98. Do you know who your real friends are : I always assume people are my friends until proven otherwise.
99. Do you believe in God : Not exactly. It depends on which "god" we're talking about. I believe there is a power greater than myself that exists. I believe there is good in the world, and that good is created by people, not god. But people's good actions do have a driving force behind them, and that's what I think is god. I believe he's in people, not externally controlling them. It all depends on how you look at it.

September weather

The weather has settled into a state of constant perturbation, which means the rest of the residents of the town have settled into cozy sweaters and jackets. People have started to warm up together when walking around and there are more smiles as the fresh wind breezes by their mouths.

Unlucky Rabbit

Why are rabbit feet lucky?
I'm sure there's some long convoluted explanation that could somewhat attempt to justify it. But, really? You get your foot chopped off and you're lucky?
It's a sick world we live in.

On another note...
I've been back in the USA for 2.5 weeks now. My grandmother's 87th birthday would have been tomorrow, if she hadn't died 3 weeks ago.
It feels strange that she's gone. When she was here, she wasn't all here. But still. It feels weird. When my grandfather died, it took me a month to realize it. He had a way of irritating my grandmother by talking into the other phone while she was on the line. He knew she was speaking to someone, but he would always interrupt and be aggravating and jokingly chortle into the phone, "What do you want? What are you selling? We don't want any". I called one day, and when he didn't pick up the phone after a while, I thought to myself, "Where is Paw Paw?" And then it hit me. All at once.
The funeral didn't do it. The repeated visits to his grave didn't drive it home. It was the absence of his voice on the telephone. And I realized I'd never hear his voice again, except in my mind, or except by providence's benign design. Or who/whatever that's out there that defies the human intellect and existence.

I've been fighting the whole blindly accepting an assumed "universal truth" of one God. I mean, there are people in the world who believe there are many gods, and I can't tell if people that insist there is only one are any more happy than the polytheists.

I doubt a lot.
Some people have claimed I won't be "saved" because of that. Because I doubt. But I doubt that. If there were something to be saved from. Which I also doubt.
One thing I do not doubt, however, is the fact that there is something far greater in the world, galaxy, and universe than my religious affiliations. It's petty peacocking to claim one has a "better" view. One corner of the world is never darker or lighter than another. We all know there's more out there than we little humans will ever know.
And that is the greatest and most wonderful thing of all: the unknown. Not the explainable, the rational, the quantifiable, or the tangible. It's all things that fall outside these realms which draws me into belief of something greater than my own problems, or my own ego.
The sun shines on all of us.
No one is better.
And no rabbit is luckier than another.
Some just get their limbs chopped off and get claimed as lucky.
I'd rather keep my limbs in tact, thanks.

Unlucky, doubtful, sad, ridiculous me.